18. 12. o9

Stop for now.

i think ..

I’d like to leave it on THAT. note.

(lol) And this one .. is for my anonymous email..er?

I haven’t.. ignored you and forgotten about you. In fact, the same day you sent your last email, Friday 13th funnily enough. The first thing I did.. Okay let me explain the situation.

It was one of those days where studying was the only thing on my mind. I was in the college library and I say it was around 11/12 when I checked my email on my phone (thought I’d have a little break, been revising since 10:30 that day) and I saw your email. I read it and the first thing I wanted to do was to email you.. or post on tumblr to say that I received your email. But I knew that I wasn’t ready for that yet.

So I decided that I would jot down what I would say to you in my “business studies” scrapbook stating the time and date with words, answers and arguments to your email. I even put it into my head that until you email me back that I won’t ever blog again but that’s just being a bit too dramatic… or is it? (lol)

Anyway, so much I want to say and usually I’d just let it go because that’s how the conversation tends to flow… we may miss out certain points and views but it keeps..kept the conversation going? But it seems as though I’ve let it flow too freely that you seem to think that I got bored of the conversation, so no! Here goes….

I know that both you and I stated that maybe we should’ve left the conversation as it was. To leave the whole experience in tact and in memory of something interesting and great and that by only continuing it - it would ruin it. We both “took the risk” and I don’t think we’ve ruined it. I enjoyed it. (I’ve always been bad with past tenses .. or present tenses and not knowing whether or not we’ll continue this anonymous emailing only confuses me more, lol) Well, I do not regret it and if anything - your emails are definitely not dull.

I might have to explain myself here but it may seem as though I don’t have much to say but the truth is I’m so conscious of what I say and how I say it when it comes to you. Why? Because I find you incredibly intimidating. (lol) There you have it. From the few exchanges we’ve had, you’re not the regular kind of guy. You’re not one I’d usually “hang out” with and engage in a friendly conversation. You’re one who I would occasionally visit for those talks of life and use words that I’ve never come across in my life. And that definitely isn’t a bad thing! I am not complaining at all! It’s something that I like about you and this email thing, I learn a lot from you and you interest me incredibly.

And the last email you sent me before that one - was the one about “human touch/sight”. I did receive it and I did reply to it but I think that it just got piled under the amount of useless posts I put on. I noticed you’re a busy guy and you must’ve missed it so if you do care to read (hopefully you’re reading now) - here it is. “the Human Touch.”

And… you don’t have to worry about me. I appreciate the fact that you do and would like to help me and you do in some ways. When people think of helping people, they always think of physically being there. Being able to do something about the situation. Psychologists… psychiatrists.. all this and everything else out there. Of course it can help. But sometimes all you need is someone to just listen. That can be more than enough sometimes.

Anyway, I do hope that maybe you’re reading this somewhere. In my “business studies” scrap book I remember writing how I had this feeling that despite it being the last email that possibly (or maybe just hopefully..wishful thinking) that you’d come to check up on me/my blog every now and then. Just maybe.

And one last thing..

Thank you =)

(lol) oh..

Kylie. You never learn and look where you are now.

For some reason I have a twitch… something pulsating on my left eye. The same eye which led me to look as though I was crying my eyes out for the entire night. (nothing important).

Uhh I am somewhat over the place and this post will most likely be deleted or maybe the ones before this. I want to start over again but then again I don’t want to leave it here. Stomach isn’t doing so good after eating too fast (something I tend to do when I come back to London home, home to my mother’s cooking). Along with a whole mixture of annoyed and agitated feelings. What’s the bittersweet taste of all of this however, is that it isn’t feelings of love. Or even like right now. You’re like the aftertaste which resides in my mouth still and I can’t exactly get rid of it yet. But trust me, I am more than ready.

I think I’ll take tomorrow to just get back on track. If anyone is actually reading this, I suggest you zone out now because this is literally the ramblings of me and my mind. Isn’t it all? Here we go now.

Using my little sister’s laptop which is surprisingly and quite annoyingly slow. But hey, it’s better than tapping away at the tiny screen of the iPhone. The quote “sometimes not getting what you wanted is a blessing” or something along those lines is something I could not possibly agree more with at this very moment in time. I had attempted to go through the pages of my dashboard to “like” all that I have missed but it would take more than a night and at least a faster laptop. So many thoughts and just a feeling of irritance more than anything.

I always felt as though I had to prove myself to you. Prove my worth. That I’m what you want and more. And now, I am so happy. Happy in my own skin and my own worth. Stupid pulsating thing is .. irritating me again. (lol, I should name this blog - “FULL BLOWN IRRITATION”) I am irritated by so much!!! AHHH..

Hopefully, tomorrow I shall be able to .. get things somewhat on track. Now I’m going to grab a glass of water, some fruit, wash my face, brush my teeth and read the new book I’ve started.

Happy Birthday Little Sister

I intentionally popped onto tumblr to just delete the last post I had written. Didn’t exactly set the joyful Christmas tones or the new fresh start I was hoping for but neither will this post.. exactly. (lol) Not ready to fully come back yet but I just had to write this for my little sister.. Getting older now. Lately I feel as though me ad AS are constantly chattering away in our phone conversations with the repetition of “What has become of society nowadays?? Is that what the kids are doing these days??”Oh, good times.

Back on topic. Happy Birthday to my little sister, or I should say younger sister, lol she’s taller than me and has been blessed with a somewhat Amazonian woman physique. Nevertheless, she was always the adored and beautiful sibling of the sisters and to this very day she still remains so. And each day she grows to be a woman and a sister I’m proud of.

We would have our arguments and growing up around each other we would have our fights and bitter insults thrown at each other because no one else knew our secrets but each other. Double ended sword. But something along those years of puberty and growing up we changed. And everyday I live and to see who you’ve become - I am thankful because without you, it’s as though losing a twin somewhat. Another half of me. As bad as it is to say, I feel as though you’re the sister that is half of me.

Anyway, this is for you. I better sum it up so I can actually give you a call at 11:00 (her college break) and leave a message on your phone to look back on. You’re an amazing girl and everything you’ve done and what you’ve been through and how hard you’ve worked would make anyone proud to call you let alone have you as their sister. And you did this all by yourself. You found and saw the path you wanted to take and now you’ve come out on top. Not just a pretty face. You’re simply amazing.

Happy Birthday little sister. I hope you enjoy your day today be it watching more Korean dramas or playing about with the new coloured contacts or make up. I love you!

One last time.

Words have always been my best friend along with being my nemesis. So many times I have fallen for the charming and so called intelligent choices of vocabulary. It was always words. Not the physical attributes nor the profitable future which laid ahead of me which would sway my mind one way or the other. But words.

I couldn’t bring myself to directly place these words on your screen with me on the other side awaiting your feedback. It will only pull me back into a world I once created for us. One that I thought you too still dreamt of but I finally realised how alone I have been in my thoughts.

I said how I needed to take a break and I almost kept to my words but I kept on coming back, especially to you. I told myself that because it was only to talk to you and nothing else that it would be acceptable. That my break was still valid and in motion. Yesterday it hit me how the break revolved around you. Why I threw everything away because it would lead me back here. I thought that you were just part of the equation.

I don’t want to waste your time with this and I know I am. Don’t say I’m not. Please don’t email me saying I’m not. Please don’t email me after this. This has to end and I don’t know how long for. (lol) It’s suppose to be an ending…

You’d find me crazy if you knew how many times I’d check my email to see if you left me a message. How I replay the airport scene over and over in my head. How it hurts seeing a picture of you both yet it’s so beautiful. These thoughts and feelings have consumed me long enough and more than it should have. Like I said. You can’t run, nor love, to someone whose arms are already filled.

Part of me is angry but none of this is your fault. It is of my own and I take full responsibility for it. And the same way I’ll carry on and move on. No more will your words of how you want to achieve your dream and come to me in the end. To dedicate your writing to me as you go along. No more will they keep me waiting for the day to come. And I don’t blame you for this, you never asked for me to wait. It was my own choice as it is my own choice to let go now.

I won’t confuse you anymore. I wish you all the best and hope to see you fulfil your dream even if it’s at a distance. This will hopefully be the last I speak of you or to you.

Take care DM.

delicate, Damien Rice.

I shall leave it on that note.

Me thinks I need to really take a break from it all and start again properly. Come back when it’s time. I’d say it’s about time to hit the old books.

Peace out with my friends favourite motto: “Dont build beneath the sky.”

Hey you..

I hesitated to put the song onto my iPod because I thought that it might be one of those songs I’d skip as I put it onto shuffle. I’m determined to listen to my iPod on shuffle without having to click Next.

You’re not here at the moment and truth is I’m not exactly sure why I’m writing this to you. I’m kind of reluctant to write and tap away at the words to say to you. But it’s this song.

The one that makes me laugh and giggle in bed like a little girl, daydreaming her life away because it’s so much more better. It reminds me of you. You being possibilities.

I associate songs, smells, tastes and emotions with other things like memory and feelings. You, I associate with dreams. Love. Possibilities. Fantasy. The unknown. The time in my life where I truly and literally believed things were possible and love stories were true. (How I feel now is another story for another day) But thinking of you let’s me escape back to that feeling.

Honestly I don’t want to write this and will end up deleting it I’m sure but I just wanted to let you know that right now I’m missing you. I miss that connection. Yes, the same one I have to let go.

I don’t know what else to say other than - I just miss you DM. Lol. Things never make sense with you. Take care world.

paint me an image of her

Is it possible to capture and define beauty through words?

I’m struggling to do it. Or even write anything of substance let alone beauty.

Beauty. Of the physical sense. Not that it’s the only sense of beauty out there but beauty is always pushed to be something on the inside which I don’t disagree with or argue with but because of the push - we ignore what is literally in front of our eyes. Beauty which physically stands in front of us just waiting to be discovered or acknowledged.

I’m not talking about the big eyes, small nose, full lips, tight body… Blah and the list goes on. Yes they can be defined as beauty but so can the ‘average’ every day person we walk by as we go to work or school. Sometimes, if you believe it, even the one we see in the mirror.

Why is it so hard to capture… Argh.